Better Off Not Knowing
by Jelsemium
Summary: A newspaper article about Tintin upsets Haddock and Calculus, who is wearing his hearing aid for a change.


Better off NOT Knowing

By Jelsemium

A Tintin fan fic with footnotes!

A/N 1: I threw in a few French phrases, just because I found Harrap's _Tintin au pays des Mots_(1) in my library.

A/N 2: I had Calculus wear his hearing aid because I can't take the constant misunderstanding thing.

* * *

Professor Cuthbert Calculus flipped open the Daily Reporter, hoping to leaf through to the science section without encountering any of the sensational trash that particular newspaper delighted in wallowing in.

Unfortunately, a familiar name caught his eye and he was drawn in before he knew what was happening. And speaking of drawn… that was a remarkably good image of his young friend in spite of the fact that it wasn't a photograph, but a cartoon drawn like one of those _bandes dessinées_(2) that Haddock liked so much.

Naturally, he wanted to see what the newspaper had to say about Tintin.

Captain Archibald Haddock was hoping for a quiet morning. Tintin was safely home at Marlinspike, there were no villains lurking nearby, they hadn't even heard from _la Castafiori_ in a dog's age.

He had his coffee, his buttered crumpets, and his Siamese cat. He didn't know where the newspaper was, so he settled for the latest copy of Asterix. He was not going to let anything upset him because stars had declared that this would be a _good_ day.

"Oh my stars and garters!" wailed Calculus.

Damn stars, always lying.

The cat leaped, squalling, from the captain's lap. Haddock jumped, spilling coffee on his robe and scattering crumpets across the floor. He leaped to his feet and tripped over Snowy, who had been on a covert mission to secure a buttered crumpet.

Snowy ran for Tintin, crying like a baby. "WOAH WOAH WOAH!"

"Blistering barnacles, what's wrong, man?" barked Haddock after he had managed to get inside to investigate Calculus' distress. Sometimes the deaf genius managed to get on his nerves, but that didn't mean that Haddock didn't worry about him.

"Oh, did you see today's newspaper?" wailed Calculus.

Haddock blinked. "Thundering typhoons are you making this fuss just because you can't find the newspaper?" he demanded hotly.

"No, no, of course not!" Calculus replied irritably. "I meant, have you _seen_ this article?" He thrust the paper into Haddock's face.

The captain took it, grumbling irritably about how some people steal newspapers and then expect you to have already read them. Then he got the gist of what the article and picture were about. "Billions of blistering blue barnacles!"

That's when Tintin appeared, to investigate the commotion that Snowy was making. He picked the fox terrier up and checked for damage. Not finding any, he walked over to the others.

"_Mais enfin, mon captaine, qu'est-ce qu'il y a_? (3)" Tintin asked.

"YOU! _You're_ what's the matter!" Haddock roared."You…you could have gotten yourself killed!" He shook the newspaper at him.

Tintin and Snowy craned their necks to see what had upset their friends so much.

"Oh, dear," Tintin said. "That does look bad." He looked at an artist's rendition of him standing on the train swinging Snowy by a hind leg as the fox terrier bit through a burning fuse.

"Actually, it is quite a good likeness of you," Calculus huffed.

Tintin did not delude himself into thinking that Calculus approved of the picture or of his perceived actions.

Snowy was regarding the picture with his head cocked to one side. His stubby little tail vibrated rapidly. Haddock wondered if Snowy recognized himself in the picture or if he just liked the sound the rattling paper made.

*I say, Tintin,* Snowy barked. *That's a good picture of me! Will you cut it out for my scrapbook?*

"Shh, Snowy," Tintin replied absently. "I assure both of you that I have never swung Snowy by the leg, nor have I used him like a… a machete!"

*Would have worked better,* Snowy grumbled.

Tintin paused and studied the picture some more. "Although, I admit, this probably would have worked better than the method we did use," he said reluctantly.

Sometimes Snowy wondered if Tintin actually understood him. He understood his master quite well, even when he didn't talk. For example, right now, Tintin was having a hard time not laughing.

"You think this is funny?" demanded Haddock.

"_En fait, oui_! (4)" Tintin shook his head ruefully. Usually he was better at remembering which language he should be speaking. "Sorry, I'm not quite awake yet. Actually, it is rather amusing that they got the picture wrong."

"Got the picture wrong?" Calculus demanded. Clearly the eccentric professor was both awake and, for a wonder, was wearing his hearing aid.

"Billions of blistering blue barnacles! What did you _DO_!" demanded Haddock.

"Actually, Captain…" Tintin hesitated and Snowy freed himself from his arms. As the fox terrier trotted back to Haddock's spilled crumpets, Tintin said. "I think you'd be happier if you didn't know."

* * *

1 Literally, _Tintin in the Land of Words_, it's a French/English dictionary that is illustrated with panels from the Tintin books.

2 Literal translation, "drawn strips." In other words, comic strips.

3 For goodness sakes, Captain, what is the matter?

4 As a matter of fact, yes.


End file.
